Attention is Love

I am thinking a lot about my wife, Sarah, because a year ago, my colleagues at the WCY, the Board, and you gave me the gift of spending the last days of her life with her at the Sussman House, a hospice in Rockport.  Our boys, her parents, sister, and brother-in-law joined me during the days, and I stayed with her during the nights.  It doesn't sound right to say that it was a beautiful time, but it was.  I felt so much love there.  I felt buoyed by a multitude of bubbles of support from friends, from family, and from everyone at the WCY.  You may not even have known all the support I felt from you.  But I did. 

Sarah had many gifts.  One of her greatest was bringing people together.  When she was alive, I simply basked in that gift.  As I miss it now, I have thought a lot about what she did to form those groups.  I'll tell you a couple of things she didn't do:  Sarah wasn't the "life of the party".  She didn't walk into a room and cause all conversation to stop because she demanded that everyone pay attention to her.  She wasn't a great joke-teller.  (In fact, she had a cornball sense of humor and we (including her) often laughed more at how she told jokes than at the jokes themselves!) She sometimes said things to people that shocked me by their directness.  And yet, wherever we went, she helped form groups of friends who were and are still together. 

At the bedrock of what Sarah did was to pay attention.  When she walked into a room, people didn't direct their attention to her.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  In her presence, people felt her attention on them.  I remember vividly a scene that was to play out over and over in our life together:  In college, before we officially started dating, when I had fallen head over heels in love with her but didn't know how to express it or if she felt anything similar for me, I invited her to a party at the house where I was living.  I had invited her the day before, on a date. But though the date was wonderful, I wasn't sure I'd clearly communicated how I felt about her.  I tried to call her to remind her of the invitation, but she had gone out for the day and there was no way to reach her (no cell phones!).  I thought I had blown my chance with this amazing woman.  Boy, was my stomach churning. 

That evening, a collection of college friends had gathered at the house.  We were playing music, talking, etc...  I think I was playing foosball.  And she came in and walked over to me.  The rest of the world fell way and I felt as if I were the only person in the room.  That was the effect she had on many people she talked with.  She paid attention.  She made people feel as if they were the most important person there.  That may have been her greatest gift.

Paying attention is at the heart of what makes the WCY a special place.  When we pay attention, we raise up others.  We learn what they value.  We hear how we can support them.  We encourage them.  A friend distills it this way, "Attention is love". 

As we move into the fall, we are refocusing our attention on you and on our community.  As part of this newsletter, we are asking for your feedback on how we are doing.  It is the same survey as we sent out six months ago.  Please help us to understand how well we paid attention to that and what we can do to value, support, and encourage you going forward.

It's not just us, the WCY staff, who pay attention. Everyone here does. Three times in the past month, I've met new members who tell me that one of the things they love about the WCY is that "people here are so nice!" I think that's because we make space here for everyone: Different generations, different socioeconomic situations, different religions, different races, ethnicities, political beliefs, sexualities and gender identities, physical and emotional abilities, (what did I miss?)....  You can find people of all stripes drinking coffee or eating lunch at the end of hall tables, shooting baskets, or soaking in the hot tub. 

But it is not simply that everyone congregates here.  It's that people talk.  They listen. They share their stories and pay attention to each other. And when we learn each others' stories, we see ourselves in others.  And how can we help but to be compassionate to people like us?  Attention is love.

I am grateful for all the attention you have given to me and to this YMCA. Have a great October.